Memoir of a recent college passout: How I almost lost my dream

Don’t let life randomly kick you into the Adult you don’t want to become. — Chris Hadfield

The post here, has been the major inspiration for me to write this current blog. The post and the above quotes have gotten me into thinking about my childhood dreams and my current dreams (and also my future aims which keep on changing from week to week. This week, my aim is to become a great writer!!!).

I am sitting at my office desk at Bangalore while I write this blog. The climate does not appear to be very bright and so goes my mood. I am living the (so-called) good life working in a MNC (Adobe) earning decent money, doing OKish work, with absolutely no passion. Most of the days, there is a real struggle to get out of my bed and force myself to go to office.

Things might appear to slow down as for today but this year has already clocked 3 months. WTF!! It almost feels surreal that 4 years of my undergrad have passed so quickly along with almost an year at my job. When I look back on my education years, the things I can remember are frustrations and fear.  Are these my only memories or am I stretching it too far?

I wasn’t a successful student at IIT. Not even close, I am just there. A couple of points below the average mark on the grades scale(if you can find one). This is not a blog on ‘How to do good at college?’. On the contrary, this may be a guide on ‘What not to do in college’ although, it is not intended to be.

I graduated (like many others) from the Andhra coaching industry. A typical product of this industry who can understand a bit of Maths, Physics and Chemistry but who lacks wisdom on any level. I choose IIT Kanpur computer science for my undergrad. And you correctly guessed it, why I had chosen computer science. As everyone else, I thought I would be the most brilliant student there (will grab the highest package).

I still remember the first day at my college. I was scared beyond belief on my first day (Spoiler Alert: I will be scared throughout many points in this story) . The language, culture and food seemed so out of place. It was like I was thrown into a new planet. Though my Hindi was good, I had not spoken a word of Hindi in years. At IIT Kanpur, we had a stupid culture of intimidating the new comers by the old students. Though it was not very severe, I always wondered what was the need to have it in an institution of such importance.

As days passed by, I discovered FaceBook and Youtube. Initially, it was 10-20 minutes. Slowly but steadily but it went up to 2-3 hours a day. And then, I was almost 24X7 on my mobile after some days, scrolling up and down to check the latest updates. Little did I know this would develop into a social media addiction which I still suffer from. As expected grades were not great for the first 2 semesters.( ~7.9 CPI ).

Since I was so addicted to technology and also scared to meet new people, I did not participate in any extra-cirricular activities. I started laying a comfort zone around me which

 

It was a pretty scary first day. To keep the next few days of our good, we mut

The question that keeps bugging me whe

I passed out of my college last year and started working this year. Working at my present company has been a mix of some excitement and most of the time bitter  disappointment. The one thing that has been nagging me from my day 1 at this company was – Would I finally get to create something?

Looking around in my office has provided me only agony and no excitement. Never in my one day at office, did I see a senior person and I said – I want to be that guy. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty hard working people out here. Most of them have been very good to me. But, what are they creating?

I remember the day when I received the job offer. My parents and all my friends were very happy for me. They even asked me to treat them. For what ? I though. Is it for becoming the one out of 10000 people who are recruited every year by the large MNCs in India?

I lost myself in the process of trying to reach someone else’s dreams. Always was trying to do well according to everyone else’s idea of success. Competitive coding, Dance Club, CGPA and   I still can’t wrap my head around people who say CGPI is the most important thing in college. I know of so many people who have high CGPI and never have invented or created shit. High CGPI shows the fact that you are a self-disciplined person and you have understood the material in the course. But, what if you haven’t done shit with that knowledge. No, it’s not. Your skills, passion and your ability to help others are way, way beyond how you can help others. Some will say confidence and the ability to reach calm may be important but these skills are byproduct of something else and do not come to by yourself.

So, for anyone , who is joining a college, my advise would be design your dream.  A large percentage of our life will be work.  Don’t we have a moral obligation on our rights to carefully choose our careers and dreams. Don’t we need to look up stuff and find something that we really want to know , something that we are really passionate about.

This article is not because I wanna bitch about something. It has been really hard for me to achieve consistency. This has lead to so much depression, sadness and setbacks. I could almost never achieve what I wanted to do. Everything I wanted to do is sort of in flames. I have wasted almost an year on Youtube and other social media sites. I am unsure whether I will ever achieve any dreams.

But, the reason for this may be because I have never committed to something. Without true commitment, we cannot bring out any results. But, my central theme was that we can be so much more. More than we can imagine.

At so many points in my college days, I had an idea for something. Building some stuff up or making an app or starting my own small buisness. Never did it formalize into something. What was the reason? I have introspected this quite a few number of times. Ultimately, the reason always seems to be fear. Fear of being laughed upon and ridiculed, fear of working hard and also fear of failure. If only, kept a hand on my chest and asked me, what I wanted, things would have been different. Colleges must provide an envirionment such that doing weird things should be an absolute norm. Taking the first step requires the most courage. Remembering this would solve so many heartaches.

One of the things that I also learnt at college was fear exists in everyone. Just that some people are able to hide it better. HardWork, consistency and courage are the most necessary skills required. All the remaining qualities are just a manifestation of these 3 things.

I failed to build good relationship with people. Building a relationship with people requires a lot of time and effort. We invest our energy in the wrong people. Surrounding yourself with amazing people(who are better than you) is a key aspect to us becoming better at our craft.

I could write a list of motivational quotes but I would still understand them only when I experience them.

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